Wednesday, April 13, 2005
I done changed...
*Let me give you a heads up. I'm having a moment right now. An everlasting moment.... Oh, this ain't BrownSugar's typical hand-on-booty type entry. So, if that's what you're looking for. Stop.Right.Here.*
Sometimes I feel like giving up. Other times....eh.....it's just other times. Throughout these past few years I've noticed a gradual change in who "BrownSugar" is and has become. I think back to how I was before I moved to Atlanta. I was a "Vivacious Gentle Breeze" so I've been called. I was self-motivated.... eager.... bubbly...friendly...outgoing...fun-loving....social butterfly...all that and even more. Yeah, I'm saying I was all that. LOL However, these past few years have changed me. It's like I'm the complete opposite of who I was. I still have a few of those traits inside of me but they're deeply hidden at times. I know a lot of it has to do with my personal and professional experiences. A WHOLE heck of a lot of it has to deal with me becoming an unexpected mother. If that didn't throw a monkey wrench in my plans, I don't know what did. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I wish I didn't have a child. I'm just saying.... I wish I would have put a little more planning into it all. I guess that's just how life is, huh? But I'm saying all of this to say that I'm really not happy with who I am right now. Could it be that I have low self-esteem? Could be. I mean, who would have thought I'd ever have low self-esteem? I've always been very confident. I think that once I had a child and seem to still be holding on to some pre/post pregnancy pounds has a lot to do with it. I think that the stress of being a single WORKING mom has a lot to do with it too. Oh yeah...and the fact that I mostly feel like I'm in the game by my damn self. I'm not where I want to be financially. I get pennies for child support compared to what it actually costs for me to take care of my son on a daily basis. I miss my family and TRUE friends. I really don't like my job. I aspire to do other things. I don't know where to start. I don't know which way to go. I don't know who to turn to. *fighting tears* Part of me wants to relocate. I've actually been seriously thinking about it. However, I have to weigh my pros and cons. If I was to move any where else other than closer to home, I'd still be in the same predicament I'm in now. As far as feeling as if I don't have any help. Know what I mean? Unless I get a BOMB ASS job that keeps a sistah paid in full, it might not be worth it for me to move elsewhere. BUT....at the same time, I don't want to be stuck doing something that I'm not happy doing. I'd be even more miserable. Damn....what am I to do? I really feel as though I've run Atlanta's course. There are things I love about Atlanta. There are things I like about Atlanta. AND there are things I absolutely can't stand about Atlanta. *deep sigh* What's a girl to do?
I don't make time for myself. The funny thing is, my son was gone for two weeks and I still didn't take care of business. It's like, I lack motivation. I always complain about not having enough time for myself but then when I had two whole weeks of freedom, I didn't do shit. I mean, I went to DC for a weekend trip. That was cool. I got to meet up with some new and old friends. But even then, I wasn't feeling like myself. Know what I mean? I hope you do because I sure as hell don't. I can't explain it.
I miss my family. I miss my friends. OMG! Do I miss my friends?!? I miss having somebody who I can talk to about anything. I miss having a friend who has a genuine interest at heart. Since being here in Atlanta, I've met some "interesting" (to say the least) folks. Some I call friends.... Others, I call...."associates." I have a girlfriend who it seems she always kind of puts me down on the sly. At least that's just how I feel. I mean, I know I'm not as "fine" as she is. She made a comment one day about a dress I had on. She was like, "Oooh, I like that dress. You need to give it to me so I can take it in a few sizes and wear it." I remember thinking, "Did this heifa just call me a fat loof on the sly?" And that wasn't the first time she made a comment like that. LOL Yeah...I'm laughing to keep from crying. You ever had a friend that will put the ugliest pictures of you in their photo album that they show to everybody? *shaking head* You ever had a friend who will just say some of the most off the wall type of things to you? You ever had a friend who you always seem to be there for but when you need them to be there for you, they never can be there for you? You ever have a friend that will put down somebody you may or may not be interested and make you feel bad for possibly being interested in that person? You ever have a friend that wants to know everyting that going on with you but never tells you shit about them? Ever had a friend that goes M.IA. (missing in action) and then resurface a year or two later like nothing has ever happened AND gives you vague answers when you ask them about where they've been all of that time. I could go on and on. I've never met "friends" like these until I moved to Atlanta. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just too sensitive now....or all of the time. I don't know. I just know that most of the "friendships" that I've formed since I've been here have not been genuine in my eyes. Sad thing is, I'm referring to more than one "friend." I KNOW that I am and can be a good friend. I don't know what it is about the folks down and around here. I must be giving off some negative vibes or something. Hmmm....or maybe there's a lesson somewhere in there. *scratching head*
It may sound as if I have low self-esteem. I may even sound selfish. But the more I think about it, I know I don't. I can't be. I was built much better than that. I think it's more or less where I am in life right now. I have some serious decisions to make. Right now, it's just taking a toll on the person inside and outside of me. Not only that, I have to realize that it's not just about ME anymore. I need to get this monkey off my back. I have to get back on the ball. I need to stock up on me some motivation! (smile) Ok...now where do I start???
*thanks for listening to me vent*
Sometimes I feel like giving up. Other times....eh.....it's just other times. Throughout these past few years I've noticed a gradual change in who "BrownSugar" is and has become. I think back to how I was before I moved to Atlanta. I was a "Vivacious Gentle Breeze" so I've been called. I was self-motivated.... eager.... bubbly...friendly...outgoing...fun-loving....social butterfly...all that and even more. Yeah, I'm saying I was all that. LOL However, these past few years have changed me. It's like I'm the complete opposite of who I was. I still have a few of those traits inside of me but they're deeply hidden at times. I know a lot of it has to do with my personal and professional experiences. A WHOLE heck of a lot of it has to deal with me becoming an unexpected mother. If that didn't throw a monkey wrench in my plans, I don't know what did. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I wish I didn't have a child. I'm just saying.... I wish I would have put a little more planning into it all. I guess that's just how life is, huh? But I'm saying all of this to say that I'm really not happy with who I am right now. Could it be that I have low self-esteem? Could be. I mean, who would have thought I'd ever have low self-esteem? I've always been very confident. I think that once I had a child and seem to still be holding on to some pre/post pregnancy pounds has a lot to do with it. I think that the stress of being a single WORKING mom has a lot to do with it too. Oh yeah...and the fact that I mostly feel like I'm in the game by my damn self. I'm not where I want to be financially. I get pennies for child support compared to what it actually costs for me to take care of my son on a daily basis. I miss my family and TRUE friends. I really don't like my job. I aspire to do other things. I don't know where to start. I don't know which way to go. I don't know who to turn to. *fighting tears* Part of me wants to relocate. I've actually been seriously thinking about it. However, I have to weigh my pros and cons. If I was to move any where else other than closer to home, I'd still be in the same predicament I'm in now. As far as feeling as if I don't have any help. Know what I mean? Unless I get a BOMB ASS job that keeps a sistah paid in full, it might not be worth it for me to move elsewhere. BUT....at the same time, I don't want to be stuck doing something that I'm not happy doing. I'd be even more miserable. Damn....what am I to do? I really feel as though I've run Atlanta's course. There are things I love about Atlanta. There are things I like about Atlanta. AND there are things I absolutely can't stand about Atlanta. *deep sigh* What's a girl to do?
I don't make time for myself. The funny thing is, my son was gone for two weeks and I still didn't take care of business. It's like, I lack motivation. I always complain about not having enough time for myself but then when I had two whole weeks of freedom, I didn't do shit. I mean, I went to DC for a weekend trip. That was cool. I got to meet up with some new and old friends. But even then, I wasn't feeling like myself. Know what I mean? I hope you do because I sure as hell don't. I can't explain it.
I miss my family. I miss my friends. OMG! Do I miss my friends?!? I miss having somebody who I can talk to about anything. I miss having a friend who has a genuine interest at heart. Since being here in Atlanta, I've met some "interesting" (to say the least) folks. Some I call friends.... Others, I call...."associates." I have a girlfriend who it seems she always kind of puts me down on the sly. At least that's just how I feel. I mean, I know I'm not as "fine" as she is. She made a comment one day about a dress I had on. She was like, "Oooh, I like that dress. You need to give it to me so I can take it in a few sizes and wear it." I remember thinking, "Did this heifa just call me a fat loof on the sly?" And that wasn't the first time she made a comment like that. LOL Yeah...I'm laughing to keep from crying. You ever had a friend that will put the ugliest pictures of you in their photo album that they show to everybody? *shaking head* You ever had a friend who will just say some of the most off the wall type of things to you? You ever had a friend who you always seem to be there for but when you need them to be there for you, they never can be there for you? You ever have a friend that will put down somebody you may or may not be interested and make you feel bad for possibly being interested in that person? You ever have a friend that wants to know everyting that going on with you but never tells you shit about them? Ever had a friend that goes M.IA. (missing in action) and then resurface a year or two later like nothing has ever happened AND gives you vague answers when you ask them about where they've been all of that time. I could go on and on. I've never met "friends" like these until I moved to Atlanta. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just too sensitive now....or all of the time. I don't know. I just know that most of the "friendships" that I've formed since I've been here have not been genuine in my eyes. Sad thing is, I'm referring to more than one "friend." I KNOW that I am and can be a good friend. I don't know what it is about the folks down and around here. I must be giving off some negative vibes or something. Hmmm....or maybe there's a lesson somewhere in there. *scratching head*
It may sound as if I have low self-esteem. I may even sound selfish. But the more I think about it, I know I don't. I can't be. I was built much better than that. I think it's more or less where I am in life right now. I have some serious decisions to make. Right now, it's just taking a toll on the person inside and outside of me. Not only that, I have to realize that it's not just about ME anymore. I need to get this monkey off my back. I have to get back on the ball. I need to stock up on me some motivation! (smile) Ok...now where do I start???
*thanks for listening to me vent*
Comments:
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BLOGGER COMMENT BOXES SUCK!!!!
Where do I start?
Ive grown to love Atlanta, however its been a serious STRUGGLE. I have met some of the most shadiest fucktards in the world here. I too miss all my old friends. I miss my family. And although you may still be in the same predicament you're in now financially, at least youll have that emotional support you need around if you were to move closer to them. And that in itself, makes you more positive and encourages you to move on to bigger things. It all falls into place.
I used to be a real go-getter. Ultra productive. Lately, I too have become someone that just kinda floats along. Doesnt do much in terms of moving forward. Is it the Pisces in us? I know we tend to kinda let shit just fall to the side... and we just kinda watch. Hopelessly. When there IS something we could do about it. We just need that motivation.
Friends like the one you spoke on aint shit. I have some too, that always wanna show me up. I cant let them know when shit is RIGHT for me. Theyll just be like, "thats nice" and go on about something important regarding THEM. We dont need people like that in our lives. We need people that are happy for us, just like we are for them. When Pisces say they are happy for someone, they genuinely MEAN that shit.
Ok ok ok.. Im sorry. Just know that everythang gon' be alright and you always have me!!!!! PISCES, BABY!!!
Where do I start?
Ive grown to love Atlanta, however its been a serious STRUGGLE. I have met some of the most shadiest fucktards in the world here. I too miss all my old friends. I miss my family. And although you may still be in the same predicament you're in now financially, at least youll have that emotional support you need around if you were to move closer to them. And that in itself, makes you more positive and encourages you to move on to bigger things. It all falls into place.
I used to be a real go-getter. Ultra productive. Lately, I too have become someone that just kinda floats along. Doesnt do much in terms of moving forward. Is it the Pisces in us? I know we tend to kinda let shit just fall to the side... and we just kinda watch. Hopelessly. When there IS something we could do about it. We just need that motivation.
Friends like the one you spoke on aint shit. I have some too, that always wanna show me up. I cant let them know when shit is RIGHT for me. Theyll just be like, "thats nice" and go on about something important regarding THEM. We dont need people like that in our lives. We need people that are happy for us, just like we are for them. When Pisces say they are happy for someone, they genuinely MEAN that shit.
Ok ok ok.. Im sorry. Just know that everythang gon' be alright and you always have me!!!!! PISCES, BABY!!!
# posted by 
: Thu Apr 14, 07:20:00 AM
: Thu Apr 14, 07:20:00 AM
I think things would be better if you were closer to the people you know really like, love, and care for you. It's hard making sincere friends as we get older. When/if you need help, just ask. The people who really care will be there.
First of all do what makes you happy. Forget what anyone thinks and there opinion. Live for Brown Suga!!!! Living in Atlanta is funny to me cause everyone is a got darn baller I am thinking am I the only broke person here. Can I take a shirt/pants from 10 years ago and rock it now HECK YEA, ha ha ha. When I feel down I go to God I dont want to get all spiritual on you, but if it was not for him, I dont know where I would be.... I will keep you in my daily prayer cause you need direction right now.... I always keep in mind it could be worse....Stay positive reguardless if the situation might be negative.. Positive with a smile... You wont always be in that place in your life. :-).. Oh yea remember sometimes we are in situations for someone else and we dont know it, someone could be looking at you in worse conditions and living off of you and seeing how you are making it... You might be giving them hope....
# posted by : Thu Apr 14, 11:05:00 AM
: Thu Apr 14, 11:05:00 AM
Aww man! *wiping tears* Thanks to each one of you who commented.
@EJ ~ Man...I forgot you know about the SWATS! Boy...the SWATS be kickin' my ass on a daily 8 -4 basis! *sigh* But I deal with it. Ok...I'm going to try to take your advice. Relaxing....relating....and releasing....(poot) Oh my bad! Not that type of release! hahahahaha @Grayse ~ Thanks so much!!! We are here (motioning eye to eye). We got dat Pisces connection! LOL
@Will ~ Before I even got to who wrote that comment, I knew it was you. I was sitting at my desk at work sucking the tears back into my sockets! LOL Thank you so much. Believe it or not, your words really helped.
@KK ~ You are so right. It's hard to make sincere friends as we get older. The thing of it is, I know I can always be that "sincere" friend to whomever. No matter when I met you or how long I've known you. *sigh* But everybody ain't like me. *smile*
@EJ ~ Man...I forgot you know about the SWATS! Boy...the SWATS be kickin' my ass on a daily 8 -4 basis! *sigh* But I deal with it. Ok...I'm going to try to take your advice. Relaxing....relating....and releasing....(poot) Oh my bad! Not that type of release! hahahahaha @Grayse ~ Thanks so much!!! We are here (motioning eye to eye). We got dat Pisces connection! LOL
@Will ~ Before I even got to who wrote that comment, I knew it was you. I was sitting at my desk at work sucking the tears back into my sockets! LOL Thank you so much. Believe it or not, your words really helped.
@KK ~ You are so right. It's hard to make sincere friends as we get older. The thing of it is, I know I can always be that "sincere" friend to whomever. No matter when I met you or how long I've known you. *sigh* But everybody ain't like me. *smile*
@anonymous commenter ~ Sometimes it's hard to stay positive when you're constantly surrounded by negative people. It's like, when I'm feeling good, I come in contact with somebody who makes me feel bad. It never fails. I guess it's the devil busy at work. All that combined with being stressed and frustrated about other things going on in my life....not good.
my advice to you evaluate those around you, you might have to remove yourself, but you know what things happen and you see yourself removed from certain people we have people around us for certain seasons and reasons and there time is about up.. A knew slew comes around that is good for you at that period in your life..I know its difficult to stay positive.. I know its difficult..But you have to think about the good and positive.. When I look back I cant do anything but smile.. God is good reguardless of what it looks like in the human eye... U have to belive and keep the faith.. Sorry I am on the spiritual tangent but I had to go there. its in my genes even though I back slide he he he
# posted by : Thu Apr 14, 12:34:00 PM
: Thu Apr 14, 12:34:00 PM
I just had to add this...
Sometimes, most times, the people around you are negative because they are unhappy too. And guess what, all their negative energy affects you. The shyt really does rub off. Funny cus I was telling someone the other day that he should un-friend his drama-filled friends for this exact reason. People and their issues affect your spirit. Surround yourself by happy people, those people will be happy for and with you!!! Surround yourself with motivated people--which is one of the things I like about being where I am. I'm surrounded by people who are tryna do something. Hint-Hint!!!
And, I speak from expereince. Dropped a best friend cold! Changed my dang life. I even watched her interact with others. And sure enough, it wasn't just me and our circle that her negative energy affected. It was everywhere this person walked, ugliness and drama followed. We're still "cool" but her energy is so toxic, I just can't deal.
Sometimes, most times, the people around you are negative because they are unhappy too. And guess what, all their negative energy affects you. The shyt really does rub off. Funny cus I was telling someone the other day that he should un-friend his drama-filled friends for this exact reason. People and their issues affect your spirit. Surround yourself by happy people, those people will be happy for and with you!!! Surround yourself with motivated people--which is one of the things I like about being where I am. I'm surrounded by people who are tryna do something. Hint-Hint!!!
And, I speak from expereince. Dropped a best friend cold! Changed my dang life. I even watched her interact with others. And sure enough, it wasn't just me and our circle that her negative energy affected. It was everywhere this person walked, ugliness and drama followed. We're still "cool" but her energy is so toxic, I just can't deal.
i agree with edwige. I'm sort of in that same position and i have the option of staying in this BS or making a move, taking a risk and stepping out of my comfort zone. You'll never know until you try (no matter how scary it may seem). Good luck to you, and wish my luck too, we can step out of the comfort zone together:)
# posted by : Thu Apr 14, 04:48:00 PM
: Thu Apr 14, 04:48:00 PM
Yeah this post was ME exactly one year ago. So what did I do? I picked up and moved home AGAINST the advice of my friends and my church.
It was rough. Really rough. I felt defeated. Like something was wrong with me because I couldn't handle it on my own. And my baby daddy just reinforced the negativity that was already in my mind.
But the sky did clear and I can say that i am much happier now than I was a year ago. If you can, just SEE what's out there in your home town. I wouldn't say do like I did and move with no job, that was kinda crazy unless you have well-off parents.
Put out your resume and see what happens. Let that be your deciding factor.
It was rough. Really rough. I felt defeated. Like something was wrong with me because I couldn't handle it on my own. And my baby daddy just reinforced the negativity that was already in my mind.
But the sky did clear and I can say that i am much happier now than I was a year ago. If you can, just SEE what's out there in your home town. I wouldn't say do like I did and move with no job, that was kinda crazy unless you have well-off parents.
Put out your resume and see what happens. Let that be your deciding factor.
girl! misery loves company. when i see that i have that type of negativity around me i just let it all go! i just grab my kid and do us! movies. iHop. or simply take a walk and talk. i don't know how old your son is but do something with him. just you and him. you'll see the difference in your spirits.kids are amazing @ any age!
i know where you are right now and my advice is take it one day at a time and take care of one issue at a time. make a plan or write a list (i'm list queen) and take care of one thing at once and don't move on until that one is done!
hope all that make sense. it'll get better! i really will!
take care.
i know where you are right now and my advice is take it one day at a time and take care of one issue at a time. make a plan or write a list (i'm list queen) and take care of one thing at once and don't move on until that one is done!
hope all that make sense. it'll get better! i really will!
take care.
# posted by : Sat Apr 16, 08:03:00 PM
: Sat Apr 16, 08:03:00 PM
Sounds like someone is doing the 30 dance. Who am I? What am I doing? When will it get better? Where am I going? Why is this happening to me?
You know what, I don't have any advice, sorry. It all comes to us in different ways. I did the dance and headed to Iraq so I even if I did have advice I don't think you'd want to take it from me. That being said ask yourself honestly where you are and then ask yourself where you want to be. Ask yourself what situations can you can control and which you can't. The ones you can't aren't problems, if you can't control them then don't spend energy worrying about them.
Then look at what you can control and then look at what you can do to make them the way you want them to be. Which are the least difficult to accomplish? Start on that one and then snowball it. Basically take care of one situation at a time till you get where you want to be. It's difficult but, no one ever said anything worth having is easy. However, whatever you do be consistent.
You know what, I don't have any advice, sorry. It all comes to us in different ways. I did the dance and headed to Iraq so I even if I did have advice I don't think you'd want to take it from me. That being said ask yourself honestly where you are and then ask yourself where you want to be. Ask yourself what situations can you can control and which you can't. The ones you can't aren't problems, if you can't control them then don't spend energy worrying about them.
Then look at what you can control and then look at what you can do to make them the way you want them to be. Which are the least difficult to accomplish? Start on that one and then snowball it. Basically take care of one situation at a time till you get where you want to be. It's difficult but, no one ever said anything worth having is easy. However, whatever you do be consistent.
Brown Shuga, I agree with everyone else that being surrounded around negative energy is liable of detering your spirit...so I say look to something/someone around you to distract you from that (ie: your son, just as Will said). You need motivation and happiness around you. The friend you described in your post...I had one just like her. But I dropped that girl like a bad habit and haven't seen her since, b/c I knew that was the best thing for me. I didn't need someone around me constantly eating at my spirit and making me feel bad about myself, ya know? And since I've dropped her...now I'm more happier then ever. Confidence is waaay much up!
Hey, you can do bad all by yourself...so why subject yourself to someone constantly/consistantly picking at your self esteem when you are already feeling low about yourself as it is.
Good luck sista. I'll keep you in my mind and prayers okay. Really I feel for you.
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Hey, you can do bad all by yourself...so why subject yourself to someone constantly/consistantly picking at your self esteem when you are already feeling low about yourself as it is.
Good luck sista. I'll keep you in my mind and prayers okay. Really I feel for you.
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