The life & times of Brown Sugar...

There I was trying to be a good ole mama. I've enrolled my son into Kindermusik class (www.kindermusik.com) . His class is held every Monday evening for 15 weeks. Anywho, I was pulling into the parking area at the rear of the studio. It's a home studio by the way. So basically...it was just the backyard with gravel on it. Anywho, it has been raining here in Atlanta for the past couple of days. So I'm pulling my car around so that I can get a parking spot. Pull up...back up....attempt to drive forward. Uh....again....attempt to drive forward. Ok...one more time. ATTEMPT (i'm trying hard...can you tell?) to drive forward. Nothing. My damn rear tires are spinning. My son is in the back seat, apparently disheveled from the noise, hollering. I was stuck like a mug. My rear tires were just spinning and spinning. So now I'm ONE upset because I'm stuck and TWO upset because we're going to be late for his class...if we make it at all. I made a few phone calls to some folks...left messages. Said fuck it.... I grabbed my son and we went into the class. I wanted to make sure he has perfect attendance. We could at least show our faces. Meanwhile, my vehicle is still stuck like chuck. ARGH!!! I went into the class hoping to feel a little better. But the entire time I was in there I was trying to figure out what I was going to do. I ended up leaving the class early anyway. Besides, my son was showing his ass anyway. He was running all around and shit. Pushed some other little boy down. I'm scolding him...wanting to beat the shit out of him....but you know. I just grabbed him. It was time to go at that point. I called a towing service and explained to them what had happened and what I needed. Well...actually my father (in Michigan) called a towing company. My father was like, "You don't have 4 wheel drive?" Huh? What? No...I don't. *note to self: Make sure that you have 4 wheel drive on next vehicle.*I'm leaving out how I was crying and what not. hahahaha Actually, my parents and everybody I spoke to on the phone had no idea. I masked it well....I think. I'm such a baby. *sigh* I can't help it. Anyway, I tried to maintain a cool voice. I think I was more frustrated than anything. I didn't mention how my son showed his ass in the class (as he always does) and then I was upset about my car. So...my stress level was sky high. I had to release it somehow. That's where my tears came in. I think I got so frustrated because I feel like I don't have anybody HERE that I can count on. It's like, when you need a muhfukka, they can't be there for you. But I'm ALWAYS that muhfukka that is always there for you. (9 times out of 10). That's a whole 'notha story though. *sighing again*
Thirty minutes later, the tow truck driver arrived. After maneuvering that big ass truck to the back of the house, he was able to pull me out of the damn mud. Fifty dollars later, I was on my way home. My Jeep was dirty as hell. Damn!!! I can't stand rolling in a dirty ass car. I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow. I'm getting my car cleaned at some point. Now I'm home...venting to you. You'll have to excuse me.

Man! How do you tell somebody that their breath stinks? Seriously! I have this co-worker of mine who's breath be kickin' like cheese and ham. I say like cheese and ham!!! He doesn't work in the same office as I do. However, he comes to my office quite often. Anywho.....I swear, each and every time he comes over to my desk to talk to me, I get a wif of his bad breath. The first few times I smelled it and then thought to myself, "Damn...this mug's breath is kickin." But...I didn't say anything. Nor did I let on that the nose hairs (if any) that I had were currently being deep fried by his awful breath.
Every Tuesday, we have squad meetings. Well, I got in the meeting late and ended up sitting next to Dragonfly. He was asking me something about my cases and then it happened. I got a wif of his breath again. Man...this was serious. Dude has a serious problem. This ain't no one time thing. This cat must have halitosis or something. As he was talking to me, I managed to glance into his mouth. You know, I'm just looking to see if I see a little man dressed in garbs of doo doo is hanging off his tongue. Surely, that has to be the problem. Nope....don't see one. But what I do see is mounds of tarter build-up on his teeth. Like...I don't think he's been to the dentist in a minute. Brushing teeth alone will not do the job for him.
Now my question is, how do you let on to a person that something is juuuuust not right about their breath? You may say, "Just tell him." Shiit. That's easier said than done. It always seems hard to tell people things that might embarrass them or make them feel bad....i.e. "your breath stinks....you're musty....you got a booger in your nose.....you have musty balls, funky monkey...etc." Know what I mean?

One day while on another i-can't-wait-to-get-home vacation with my parents, something interesting happen. Well, I wouldn't exactly say "interesting." We were on our way back to MI. We stopped in Nashville, TN....as usual. You see, both my parents went to TSU. This is where they met. No matter what, my dad finds a way to drive through Nashville to show me where he met my mama at the bus stop on Jefferson St. Where HE stayed. Where SHE stayed. blah, blah, blah. We stopped to eat at Sweats....we stopped to eat at Mary's BBQ. I mean, we go through this to and from our destination. I'm not kidding. So you can imagine, I eventually got tired of hearing the same ole stories. Not that it mattered anyway. He was unstoppable. Anyway, we were at the hotel in Nashville. I was laying on the bed listening to my Walkman. NWA's "Fuck da police" was blaring in my ears. Oh...I don't know if I ever mentioned this. Both of my parents were police officers. **Sidenote** Who would have thought that I too would become a police officer? Not me. I'm a good ole Police Detective now. Interesting, huh? Who'd a thunk it?!? LOL Again....not me. **end sidenote** Ok...well. My dad asked, rather, told me to go get some ice. I took my headphones off, put them on the bed and left the room. Ice bucket in hand. Well, upon my return to the room, my dad was looking at me all crazy n' shit. Then he went off. "What in THE hell are you listening to? Huh? Fuck the police?!? FUCK the police?!? Fuck me and your mama?!?" Boy....I thought I'd never hear the end of that. Plus, I had PREVIOUSLY got in trouble not too long before our vacation because I was listening to Luke Skyywalker's, "Heeeey we want some pu**y!" FYI - - I didn't want no damn pu**y! Thank.you.very.much. I just liked to shake my ass to the music. That's all it was with me. I never was into what was actually being said. I was like that then and come to think of it, I'm still like that. If a song has a funky ass beat and tends to make me want to shake my rump....then dammit it henceforth becomes, "my jam" and that's all she wrote. I don't care how vulgar it may be. I ought to be shamed, huh? Well...I'm not. Anywho....that's why my dad took it upon himself to see what I was listening to at that point. I had already been busted listening to some EXPLICIT LYRICS: PARENTS BE ADVISED! Seems I didn't learn my lesson, eh? That was damn near 17 years ago. GOT.DAMN! That seems like ages!!! Although, I can remember it like it was yesterday.
With all the "vulgar"music of today, I couldn't help but think of that particular incident. A lot of folks say that the music of today effects our children in a negative way. Sometimes I agree and sometimes I don't. Only because, I too was once one of those kids who listened to the vulgar, profane music. Hell I still do. I think it all comes down to the individual. For one, I was able to (still am able to) differentiate right from wrong. But now we have "crunk and head bussa" type of music in addition to the vulgar, profane music. Mugs be wildin' out! I've seen kids around here act one way and then when some "crunk, head bussa" music comes on....boy....you better watch out. They become out of control! So I don't know. Should we blame the music or the individual?

Ok...so far we're up to Episode 3 of the Surreal Life - Bloggers Edition.

First we had Edwige, with Episode 1
Second, was me, Brown Sugar, with Episode 2
Third, was Brutha Code, with Episode 3
Next is Kajuana.
There's no telling where we'll end up now!!! Possibly among the skut (kajuana 2004) of Deeeetroit! LOL
Four more episodes!!!!

If you missed out on Edwige's Episode 1, The Surreal Life-Bloggers Edition, click here

“After quickly ducking into a restroom Ted returned as the Brutha Code fully dressed in his alter ego’s uniform….A throw back jersey sans undershirt easily displaying his Taco Meat. “


In addition to our procurement of a seven bedroom brownstone with en suite bathrooms, we also were given our own Range Rovers. Black for the guys and Red for the ladies. Since there are three Deltas in the house, red overruled for the ladies.

It wouldn’t be good TV if there weren’t any hand on booty details and drama. And so goes the story…..hee hee

Brutha Code offered to drive to the Penthouse since it was his idea. Not to mention he was a regular and didn’t have to pay for parking. BC jumped in the driver seat while Kajuana and Edwige argued over who was going to sit in the front passenger seat. With gimlet in hand, Kajuana commenced to rip Edwige apart with her words. “Ooooh!! You gone take dat girl?!?”, yelled BC to Edwige. But Edwige wasn’t one for words right now. The argument escalated and the next thing we knew, Edwige bust Kajuana dead in her jaw while screaming obscenities in French. Keep in mind; we all were “fucked up”. Somehow, Edwige ended up on the hood of the Range and attempted to do a round-house kick and fell on top of Kajuana and Panama, who was attempting to restrain Kajuana. Now Panama was pissed because as sexxy and tipsy as he was feeling, he wasn’t happy about Edwige scuffing up his new blue suede shoes. It was hilarious! Panama pushed both of the ladies off of him and retreated to the rear of the Range Rover to tend to his shoes. It isn’t easy being sexxy. Meanwhile, Brown Sugar, Christen and Will were standing there staring wide-eyed in disbelief at Edwige and Kajuana. Then out of nowhere, BC pushed Brown Sugar into the middle of Edwige’s and Kajuana’s female bout. Right at that moment, Brown Sugar caught a right hook thrown by Kajuana that was meant for Edwige. Brown Sugar, being the Master of “whoop ass” from all she learned in the mean streets of Flint and the Police Academy, tore into both of their asses! BC kept chanting in the background that he wanted to see some Asses jiggling one way or the other. The shit was hilarious. Christen started screaming and crying and threatened to call the police. At that, the ladies stopped fighting. After all, didn’t nobody want to go to jail. LOL Out of nowhere, BC comes up to Ed, KK and BS and starts rubbing his taco meat on them. Everybody bust out laughing and into the Range Rover we went. This time Brown Sugar got into the front seat and that was that. Before pulling off, Will said, “I have but one question. How the hell did you get on top of the hood Edwige?” Ed looked at BC and pointed at him. Somehow, we all missed BC giving Edwige a boost up on to the hood. They all shook their heads, laughed and off to the Penthouse they went!!! (50 cent Candy Shop playing in the background…AOL Music: 50 Cent: 'Candy Shop Damn I wish I knew how to add that shit to my page. Hahaha) *Side note I know you’re wondering how we cleaned ourselves up. This is TV man! We had hair and make-up artists on standby. They hooked us up before we seguewayed into next scene. Once again, we were looking and feeling FAB-U-LUST!!! *

We pulled up in front of the Penthouse. Since we were with BC we got the “star treatment.” As we walked inside of the Penthouse the tunes of “Christina Milian….Dip it Low. (Go-Go version, ofcourse)” Pop, pop, pop that thang! Roll it all around. I’ma show you how to make yo man say ohhhh!.” Was playing. The smell of the infamous stripper perfume and a tinge of sex was in the air. The crowd was light. So it wasn’t hard to find a spot to sit and chill. The ladies found a place to sit while the fellas went straight to the bar. Brown Sugar insisted on being close to the stage. She wanted to take mental notes. You know, so she could “pop that thang” if need be. LOL Plus, she had some singles she wanted to get rid of. Hee hee Christen, Edwige and Kajuana were a little nervous and it showed. This was their first time in a female strip club. However, after a few drinks, all of that nervousness came to pass. Brown Sugar was feeling right nice. While sitting at the table, she leaned over to BC and whispered in his ear. Brown Sugar asked him what he thought about buying table dances for Christen, Edwige and Kajuana. BC bust out laughing and said, "Hell yeah! Let's do that shit!" He leaned over and told Panama and Will what was up. They were all in aggreance. BC and Brown Sugar got up and pulled one of the strippers walking the floor, to the side. Her name was China Doll. They pointed the three ladies out to her. Brown Sugar advised China Doll that she wanted two other ladies who had the HOTTNESS and knew how to bring the shit. China Doll said she'd take care of it and walked away. Brown Sugar and BC headed back to the table. But not before passing by the bar first to grab a few glasses of Grand Marnier. They got back to the table just in time. "Disco Inferno" by 50 Cent came on and China Doll, Velvet and Hot Chocolate came over to the ladies. "Lil mama show me how you move it. Go 'head put yo back into it. Do your thang like it ain't nuthin to it....Shake, shake dat azz girl!" The next thing you knew, they were getting lap dances. The strippers were rubbing their body parts from the titties to their coochies all up on the ladies. Straight up ATL style! They were butt booty ass naked. Bending over and everything. They were working it! The looks on Christen, Edwige and Kajuana's faces were to die for! They weren't sure whether to be like, "Hell naw! or Keep going!" LOL Kajuana kept turning away but sneaking a peep here and there. Edwige couldn't take her eyes off of Hot Chocolate's titties. Damn, I can't believe this chicks titties are bigger than mine!" Edwige thought to herself. Christen just smiled....a nervous, tipsy smile. Before it was all over with, all three of the ladies were a little more hot and bothered than they cared to admit. While receiving their dances, their coochies were just a throbbin and a little wet from excitement! Meanwhile, Brown Sugar and the fellas were liking what they were seeing. Will was over there drooling. Literally... "Wipe yo mouf man!" said Brown Sugar. LOL "Come wipe it for me!" Will said. Brown Sugar raised her eyebrows and said, "I got something to wipe your mouth with alright." Normally, Will doesn't say much. But he was feeling right nice from the alcohol and well....felt the need to get a little frisky. Somehow Will and Brown Sugar snuck off and ended up in a stall in the ladies bathroom (if that's what you want to call it.) That left BC, Panama, Christen, Edwige and Kajuana. Well apparently, the combination of alcohol and lap dances, had everybody feeling a tad bit frisky. BC started feeling up Christen and Kajuana on the sly. Panama was feeling up Edwige. (after all, she is his cyber-fiance' hee hee). BC somehow talked Christen and Kajuana into going out to the Range Rover with him. But not before buying a bottle of Grand Marnier from the bar and the sexual dice that Brown Sugar gave him earlier in case some foreplay motivation was needed at some point. hee hee That left Panama and Edwige on the club and Will and Brown Sugar in the bathroom.

To be continued by Brutha Code (next Monday)

Every month before my Aunt Dot comes to town, I always get a sweet tooth. Today I had a hankering for a waffle from the Waffle House AKA Awful House. LOL Anywho, I tried to talk myself out of it. Especially since my personal trainer gave me a food plan to follow for these first two weeks. I thought I would feel bad about eatting that waffle but I don't. I TOE that thang up! Most importantly, I satisfied my sweet tooth. Now if I could only satisfy my other hankering. But thinking of that makes me feel guilty after reading Kajuana's entry from today. Yeah right!!! I hold my fist to you KK!!! *wink, wink*
Getting to the point of this entry. While I was waiting at the counter inside Waffle House, the cook emerged from the back. *sidenote* Have you ever ate at Waffle House and placed your order and listened to the server call it out to the cook? One, the server never calls out your order the way you placed it and two, he never writes it down. But... it always comes to you the exact way you ordered it. *end sidenote* Anyway, my pretty face must have caught the cook's eyes. He flashed me a toothless grin. Let me paint a picture for you. Bald black guy with a mustache that kind of curls up at both ends. He's missing four, hell, maybe even five of his front upper teeth. He even had a little doohickey patch under his bottom lip. What do they call those things? Fu man choo, I think? Anyway, he had it. I guess my glance at him said, "Come hither" when it really said, "No no...stay away." The next thing I knew, he made a beeline to me. He got to talkin and talkin. I'm thinking..."Man, would you please go fix my damn waffle?!?" I don't know what it is about me. People always feel they can come up to me and talk. I guess it's my friendly disposition. But why is it that only boogabears want to talk to me? It never fails. I can't get the FINE ASS Knickah (Will 2005) to come hither n' shit. All they do is look. All I do is look. We just some lookin' fools. Muhahahahahaha! At some point, the server (it was only one in the entire Waffle House) asked if anybody had a change for a hundred. The cook in turn asked me if I had change for a hundred. I was like, "Naw...I don't even have a hundred dollars." What I say that for? He was like, "I gotta hundred dollars for you. I can be yo sweetdaddy." There goes the toothless grin again. Can you see it? Ahhh buddy!!! (that's for you Will) I just laughed and dismissed his comment. I mean seriously. Did he really think that I would take him up on his offer? Not that I think I'm better than anybody. But come on. There is a line....that I just don't and won't cross. He eventually walked on over to the grill. He turned around and said, "Ay...I'm serious. Then he put out both of his hands and start tapping each one of his fingers with the opposite hand AS IF to let me know that he is not married or attached. Then he said, "What about you?" I was like, "Uh...I'm not married but I'm committed." He was like, "Yeah...me too." (like we got something in common like Bobby and Whitney) LOL WTF-ever! Luckily, the server brought my waffle over to me. I grabbed that mug and made a quick about-turn to the front door. As I walked out of the Awful House, I realized why I don't dine there often. Aside from the smoke that hits you as you hit the door, they always have THE strangest folks that work there. Seriously! Every damn Waffle House I've been in has had the most toothless, hairless folks WORKING there that I've ever seen. Before I got in the car, I said to myself, "I gotta write about this!" LOL Isn't it funny how we use our everyday lives or lives of others to blog about? It's like, I'll be driving, working or doing nothing. Something happens and I'm like, "Hey...this might be a good blog topic." LOL I've gotten so bad that I will write down topics that come to me throughout the day. I have a legal pad with a bunch of topics I have YET to write about. hee hee

The other day, I read an entry that discussed cunnilingus. It was actually a post that Edwige recommended I read. I actually would love to shout out the person who wrote it but hell...I can't remember exactly who it was. Actually, now that I think about it, I believe it was from One Angry Black Girl's page. I don't know the link off hand. I'd love to hyperlink it but that would involve me going to somebody else's page and then somebody else's page. And well...I don't feel like doing that right now. All I know is that it triggered some thangs in my mind. Ofcourse, I had to put it on the back burner because I was caught in the muhfuggin crossfire. Ya dig? Aight....peep this.

I met this guy one day while working. I saw him checking me out but ofcourse, I paid him no mind. I see guys checking me out all the time. Most of the time, they do just that. Check me out. Then...nothing. So, I figured this was going to be the same. Anywho, he was checking me out and then somehow we started chit chatting. Nothing big. You know...the usual niceties. Well that was that. He went on 'bout his way and I went on 'bout my way. Ya dig?
We came across each other again. This time after all the niceties we exchanged numbers. Well, I let him take me out a few times. Over the course of one of our many dinner dates, the topic of oral sex came up. This guy spoke of how good he can eat coochie and shit. Well...me being "one who enjoys receiving good head" was a bit intrigued by this man's comment...and confidence. Ok...let me back up a taste. Let me give you a little background on Brown Sugar. One, at that point in time, I had YET to receive some FIRE as head. Period. Man or woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah...I had to throw the woman part in there for ya'll freaks. Geesh!! Anywho..where was I? Ok. Yeah...I had heard my girls talk about how many times they came when they have their cooch licked on. I'd always think to myself..."Damn...something must be wrong with me and my cooch OR I just haven't met the right one baybay!" I began to think that I just wasn't an "orgasmic" person. Well all that came to pass and well...is another story. Back to what I was saying. Here I was, sitting here with this guy who basically said he would make me cum in a matter of seconds. I was like Lil Jon (even back then) OK!!!!
One night I decided to take him up on his offer. After dinner, I invited him in. Well....one thing led to another. Do I need to give hand on booty details ya'll? Ok...ok. Well, I needed a glass of wine to calm me down AND get me going (if you know what I mean). The next thing I knew, this mug was on me like a barracuda on goldfish eggs. I was trying to fight two of what seemed to be his eight arms. Damn! Talk about hasty! I should have known then. You know what? I don't even feel like giving ya'll HOB (hand on booty) details. Well, come to think of it, there aren't many HOB details to give. Plus, I'm about to take my ass to bed. Although, you know I like to paint visual pictures in your mind. Ima just try to sum it up. Finally, I let him eat my coochie. *pause* When I tell you that this guy was by far THE worse coochie licker.....I am not lying! I think HE'S the reason they created the term "eatting pussy." This cat ATE the shit out of my coochie. I mean...he ate my coochie like he was chewing steak. (hence my nickname for him -Chewbaca) I mean, this brutha was going to town on my shit....and not in good way. You'd think he had a damn baked potato to go along with my shit. It was horrible!!! ARGH!! I am so serious. I don't know about you...(both men & women can identify w/this, i'm sure). When somebody is giving me TERRIBLE "head" I get pissed. Especially if you hype yourself up. I just had to stop him midway. Peep this. He thought I was stopping him because it was sooo good. *silence*mosquitos...crickets chirping*blank stare* He had the nerve to want me to suck his thang. Naw dog...I already peeped your uncircumcised weenie. Uh uh. It's something about uncircumcised dicks. I just can't bring myself to put my mouth on it. Muhahahahaha! I ain't gone front. I made my way down to visit his "peterman" but I ventured on back up north before my mouth met his weenie! He smelled kind of...eh...I don't know. Pissy? That's the problem I have with uncircumcised dicks. I heard - now this is what I heard now - I heard that some guys with uncircumcised dicks don't always clean that thang as good as they should. You know...with all the extra skin and all. I guess they tend to miss a flap...or two. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against uncircumcised dicks. That is, unless you don't properly take care of it. I mean, you don't want to get with a chick who has a funky monkey, do you? Oh...I forgot to mention, Chewbaca got butt booty ass naked before any article of clothing was taken off me. That's how and when I peeped the beenie weenie. But I thought I'd make like I was actually going to attempt to return the favor and shit. Hence...my venture down south. When in all actuality, I had NO INTENTIONS! Where the hell do I meet these guys?
As you pretty much figured, his visit as well as our dinner dates, was short-lived. I knew that night that nothing could possibly transpire between me and CHEWBACA!!!! *echo*echo*echo* (RRRRRROAR! sound Chewbaca makes on Star Wars)

This is something that Will threw my way last week. Since I am a woman of my word....here it is.

First, List your Random (what the f*ck is my random? Hahaha well…these are songs that I was listening to earlier. Prince v. R Kelly)
· Prince – International Lover
· R Kelly – Bump –n-Grind
· Prince – Scandalous
· R Kelly – Seems like you’re ready
· Prince – Adore
· R Kelly – Sex Me
· Faith - Come over
**these are only a few of the songs I was listening to during a "random" cruise of the mean streets of the A

What is the total amount of music files on your computer(iPod)? First of all, I don’t even own a friggin’ Ipod. Nor am I interested. I’d probably lose it or my son would spill some damn juicy juice on it. OR it would end up in his little fire truck where he stores everything he gets a hold of. Um..but as far as my computer. Heck, I don’t have a clue how many songs I actually have on this mug. I mean, who really cares? You wanna burn a cd or something???

The last CD you bought is: I think it was Fantasia….it’s been a minute. In addition to slacking on my posting, I’ve slacked on buying cds. I want to buy John Legend. Although, I do have a “dubbed” copy of his cd. I like it a lot.

What is the song you last listened to before this message? Some kiddy song from my son’s Kindermusik class. (www.kindermusik.com)

Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean alot to you:1. Ordinary People - John Legend (I wear this muhfugga out!) 2. Pretty Brown eyes – Mint Condition (they made that song for me) 3. Red Light – Usher 4. I'll Love You More than You'll Ever Know - Donny Hathaway 5. Weak – SWV

Who are you gonna pass this stick to (three persons and why)? Kajuana, Edwige & Brutha Code- Why??? Out of the three….Edwige will probably be the only one that will actually do this. Hee hee